Bob & LBF in the Morning

Bob & LBF in the Morning

LOS ANGELES, CA - AUGUST 30: In this photo illustration, MTV logo, viewed on a television screen, is seen during the 2020 MTV Video Music Awards broadcast on August 30, 2020 in New York City. (Photo Illustration by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

5 Super Creepy Songs About Turning 16 And One MTV Video That Should Be Banned

Ah, creepy songs about teenagers. A topic that never fails to make my skin crawl!

It takes a special kind of artist to turn an innocent crush into something that feels straight-up predatory.

And yet, we have no shortage of musicians who seem to drive white vans and cruise outside high schools.

From the Beatles‘ “Run For Your Life” to the Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close To Me,” these songs are a cringe-worthy reminder of the worst aspects of rock and roll.

So, to all the artists out there still writing songs about teenage girls: please stop. You’re not edgy, you’re just gross.

But, the winner, the ABSOLUTE WINNER in this race is one Benny Mardones.

Behold:

 

Good LORD in HEAVEN what were Benny and MTV thinking?

Apparently they thought there was a lack of “Perv 101” videos on standby. Benny’s dedication is impressive! Sneaking into her room after her parents told the Level 3 to take a hike?

Ah, the ’80s. They really hit different today, right?

Let’s break this song down:

It’s about a grown man obsessing over a teenage girl, which is not only creepy but, um, also SOOOOOO illegal.

The lyrics are filled with sexual innuendos that would make your grandmother blush

The weird part is it’s a good song – melodywise – but when you’re driving your kid to soccer practice, you feel like you might need to arrest yourself for singing along.

I mean, HOW OLD IS BENNY in this video? And how old is that terrified actress? Paging Brooke Shields. This girl needs your therapist.

The song’s chorus repeats the phrase “She’s just 16 years old, leave her alone.” PLEASE PAY ATTENTION. Leave her alone. Weirdo.

Anywho. Benny really just followed a long sordid history of songs about 16 year olds.

What was with this creepy genre of music that promoted predators and romanticized the idea of dating a sweet, innocent young girls?

I haven’t been this disturbed since I recently unearthed the ’70s Love’s Baby Soft ad campaign, which deserves the Chris Hanson treatment – if only he wasn’t a perv now, too.

But I digress.

Here are five songs about 16 year olds that make me want to call DSS.

  • "Happy Birthday Sweet 16" by Neil Sedaka

    “Tonight’s the night
    I’ve waited for
    Because you’re not a baby anymore
    You’ve turned into the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen
    Happy birthday sweet sixteen”

    EW.

  • "You're Sixteen" performed by Ringo Starr

    Ringo Starr was was thirtysomething at the time, singing about a 16-year-old.
    Okkaaaay.
    At least he didn’t write it.
    Here’s a taste of what it’s like to be a totaly creeper with a knack for a good song hook:

    “You come on like a dream
    Peaches and cream
    Lips like strawberry wine
    You’re sixteen, you’re beautiful and you’re mine (ooh, mine all mine)
    You’re all ribbons and curls (ooh)
    Ooh, what a girl (ooh)
    Eyes that sparkle and shine (ooh)
    You’re sixteen, you’re beautiful and you’re mine (ooh)
    Mine all mine, mine, mine, mine”

  • "Only 16" performed by Doctor Hook

    Wow. There’s nothing like a sweaty adult man talking about being in love with a sophomore in high school who probably still has braces and hasn’t mastered long division.
    “”She was only sixteen, only sixteen
    Ooh, with eyes that would glow
    But she was too young to fall in love
    And I was too young to know”

  • "Christine Sixteen" by Kiss

    “But when I saw you coming
    Out of the school that day
    That day I knew, I knew
    I’ve got to have you, I’ve got to have you”

    Why is this band not incarcerated for this?
    Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I can’t even.

    “(Christine, sixteen)
    She’s been around
    But she’s young and clean
    I’ve got to have her
    Can’t live without her, whoa no”

  • "Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon"

    Um, is this a song or a Judy Blume book? Good Lord, Neil. Between this and “Sweet Caroline” you should be in some sort of data base.

    “Girl, you’ll be a woman soon
    Please come take my hand
    Girl, you’ll be a woman soon
    Soon you’ll need a man”

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