Seven Iconic ’80s Rock Stars Who Were Scary, Not Sexy

So, Bob mentioned he was going to the Carrie Underwood show this weekend and hoped she would sing “Sweet Child of Mine” and do the Axl Rose dance.

I was like, EW. No THANK YOU.

Bob was surprised. “What, you didn’t think Axl Rose was one of those sexy, iconic 80s rock stars when you were young?”

Absolutely not.

In fact, Axl Rose scared me. Actually, a lot of iconic ’80s rock stars were scary, not sexy to me back in the day.

I was the girl who liked Debbie Gibson, Duran Duran and Michael Jackson (Jackson, of course, turned out the be the scariest of them all. Be he looked like a harmless Easter bunny wearing a yellow bowtie and sweater vest in that famous ’80s poster.)

So when David Lee Roth jumped onto MTV like an addled-up leap frog and started singing about “running a little bit hot tonight” and reaching down between his legs and easing the seat back, I wanted to call the police!

How was I supposed to know it was about a car? I was 13!

Sure, a lot of my friends loved hair bands. My friends Sheri and Christine loved Def Leppard, but honestly, walking into their poster-laded bedroom, filled with big hair and sweaty men (on the walls!), was a personal nightmare. Those guys were so…TESTOSTERONE-Y.

Anyway, I’ve grown up, and while I’m not completely frightened by them, these are still my Scary Seven.

Seven Iconic ’80s Rock Stars Who Were Scary, Not Sexy

• 1. Axl Rose

  Definitely not Paradise City. I’m sorry, but this guy is super scary. The bandana, the low slung jeans, the “Silence of the Lambs” slither. You know those scarves were going to tie you to something in the basement while he screamed for you to put the lotion in the basket. I’m not wrong.

• 2. David Lee Roth

  Jump? He’s going jump you! Maybe it’s all the hopping. Is he a rhesus monkey? Or the kicking. Is he an angry toddler? The sweat, the yoga pants. Is he a suburban mom just back from aerobics about to yell at you for not putting your laundry away? I just want to slowly back away and hide.

• 3. Vince Neil

  Girls, Girls, Girls, indeed. The thing about Vince Neil is that, from behind, you think he’s Heather Locklear. And then he TURNS AROUND AND YOU ARE RUNNING AS FAST YOU CAN. Because you know he’s going to give you a red solo cup and you’re going to wake up with regrets.

• 4. Brett Michaels

  Talk Dirty to Me? I was 15.  Ew. Also, I just didn’t want to compete for makeup at CVS. I’m sorry. Life was hard enough in high school without some pervy dude whispering gross stuff in your ear while he bogarts all the Wet n Wild eyeliner.

• 5. David Coverdale

  Is This Love? No. This is exploitation. I just feel like if you’re girlfriend is gyrating on the hood of a car, it’s time to take her home, not make it into a video. Plus, he just looks hungry. And not for McDonald’s.

• 6. Gene Simmons

  I was NOT made for loving you. He’s dressed up like a BDSM clown and has the tongue of an anteater. Enough said. Shannon Tweed must be the bravest blonde on the planet.

• 7. Lita Ford

  Kiss Me Deadly? She’s not kissing me. She’s the girl in the high school bathroom who is going to slam you up against the tile, blow cigarette smoke in your face and threaten your life if you ever look at her boyfriend again.

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