Revenge: The Dos and Don’ts
Revenge. Everyone says it’s best served cold, like leftover pizza or a Diet Coke straight from the can. Me? I can’t even manage that. I’m too much of a people-pleaser….
Devious cunning young woman with dark hair clasping hands and smirking mysteriously, scheming cheats, evil prank, wearing casual style jacket. Indoor studio shot isolated on gray background.
Revenge. Everyone says it’s best served cold, like leftover pizza or a Diet Coke straight from the can.
Me? I can’t even manage that. I’m too much of a people-pleaser.
The only revenge I actually dish out is in my imagination—and let me tell you, it’s glorious.
No jail time, no court dates, no awkward explanations to insurance adjusters. Just pure, satisfying, 100% successful fantasy revenge.
Take Stephanie, a 31-year-old from Kentucky, who apparently listened to Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” and thought it was a how-to manual. Spoiler: it’s not. Stephanie went full demolition derby on her ex-boyfriend’s car. Slashed a tire. Smashed the windshield. Cracked the rearview mirror. Destroyed the radio. Then, for flair, she poured glitter into the vents and salt in the engine. Total cost of damage? A casual $12,465.
Honestly, that’s commitment. But also—ma’am, glitter? That’s just cruel. You know that car will still be sparkling in 2045. Even cockroaches don’t outlast glitter.
And yes, she got arrested. Smiling in her mugshot like she just won The Price Is Right. Which is fine, but this is exactly why I stick to fantasy revenge. Because in my head, I get to smash and salt and glitter with zero consequences.
And trust me—fantasy revenge is so much sweeter.
Like when an ex ghosts you? In real life, you cry into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. But in my revenge daydream, he shows up at his wedding, his fiance' ghosts him. That’s justice.
Or that jerky co-worker who takes credit for your ideas in meetings? Sure, HR won’t let me dump a fish in their desk drawer, but in my brain? Oh, it’s a whole aquarium in there. Complete with bubbling castle and a goldfish named Karma.
And the best part: in revenge fantasy land, it always works. Your ex never gets a restraining order against you. Your boss never notices the smell of trout in Accounting. No one’s filing charges. Everyone just nods in admiration at your brilliance.
So yes, revenge may be best served cold. But I’ll take mine imaginary, thank you very much. Fewer lawyers, more satisfaction, and way less glitter stuck to my clothes.
