Move Over 127 Hours: Try Getting Stuck in a Sports Bra
A man in Vernon, Connecticut recently had to be rescued after getting stuck in a playground slide. Yes, you read that right. A grown man. In a slide. Firefighters showed…
Portrait of doctor with measure tape measuring the size of the patient’s breast.
A man in Vernon, Connecticut recently had to be rescued after getting stuck in a playground slide. Yes, you read that right. A grown man. In a slide. Firefighters showed up, tools in hand, and pulled him out like a toddler who made a bad choice.
And honestly? I felt for him. Because I’ve been there.
Not in a slide. But in the middle of Marshall’s.
Stuck. Inside a sports bra.
Here’s the thing about trying on athletic wear: it’s all fine until it’s not. You pull it over your head. You wrestle it down. Then suddenly—it won’t go back up. The straps cut off circulation. Your arms are flailing like one of those inflatable car lot guys. You panic, sweat and wonder if this is how it all ends.
I swear I almost had to call in the cavalry. Like, “Hello, 911? Yes, I’m trapped in a size medium Champion sports bra, aisle five, near the clearance rack. Bring scissors.”
And that wasn’t my first rodeo. I’ve been trapped in plenty of clothing. Dresses that wouldn’t zip. Skinny jeans that got halfway up my thighs and said “no further.” Tops that seemed innocent until they tried to choke me out on the way back over my head. I’ve nearly dislocated a shoulder trying to Houdini myself out of a sundress.
People talk about mountain climbing or running marathons as extreme sports. Please. Try surviving a fitting room meltdown in polyester. Move over, 127 Hours. Aron Ralston cut off his arm in the desert. I almost lost mine to a Marshall’s sports bra.
So yeah, I feel bad for the guy in the slide. But if firefighters ever want to test their rescue skills, they should try pulling women out of “form-fitting activewear” at 70% off. That’s the real danger zone.
