Shark Week, Cape Cod Edition

So there I was, in a kayak, trying to paddle to the beach like a normal person on vacation.

The sun was shining. The water looked calm. It should’ve been a vibe.

But the second I dipped in, I panicked. Why? Because I was absolutely, irrationally, yet undeniably convinced there was a shark in the pond. A pond, people.

And yes, I 100% quoted Jaws in that moment: “There’s a shark in the pond!”

Thank you, Spielberg, for permanently ruining water for all of us since 1975.

I couldn’t do it. I bailed. Paddled about four feet and turned around like the wimpy land mammal I truly am.

I told myself I was being dramatic.

And then—bam.

Again. Off Cape Cod, Nantucket, Martha’s Vineyard. They’re back. And they’ve brought friends.

Apparently, hammerhead sharks are now cruising up to Massachusetts beaches thanks to warmer ocean temps.

Awesome.

Just what we needed—sharks that look scary and have data backing up their vacation plans. Scientists say these smooth hammerheads usually hang out in more tropical spots, but now that the Cape is heating up, they’re thinking, “Yeah, let’s summer up north this year.”

And let’s talk about the biggest lie of our childhoods: “The water on the Cape is too cold for sharks.”

Um. Excuse me?

That was a bold-faced, sunscreen-slathered LIE.

Did our parents just hate us? Were they like, “Sure, kids, go splash around in the sharky soup, everything’s fine!” Because it was not fine.

So now, the beaches are basically shark lounges, the warnings are out, and I

’m rethinking my entire childhood. I’ll be honest—I’m not going back in. Nope. Not the pond, not the ocean, not even the inflatable pool if I’m feeling paranoid.

I’ll stick to the driveway kayak. Dry land. No dorsal fins. Until the hammerheads learn how to drive, I’m good right here.

Thanks for the trauma, Mom and Dad and Spielberg.