Office Chair Butt Is Real, and We’re All Dying From It
Sitting was my favorite thing. Like, Olympic-level sitting. I could sit with the best of them—legs up, snacks nearby, thriving. But suddenly, everyone’s acting like sitting is the devil. “It’s…
Young woman in bright living room, multitasking on a laptop and writing notes. Enjoying daylight while working remotely at a stylish wooden desk in a serene setting.
Sitting was my favorite thing. Like, Olympic-level sitting. I could sit with the best of them—legs up, snacks nearby, thriving.
But suddenly, everyone’s acting like sitting is the devil. “It’s worse than smoking!” they say. Worse than smoking?! WHEN did that happen? I’m just sitting, minding my business, and now I’m basically one spinny chair away from a coffin?
Then came the watch.
Oh, the watch. The smug little wrist snitch that buzzes every hour like, “Hey lazy sloth, maybe try moving?” Cool, thanks. I didn’t ask to be judged by a rectangle that lives on my arm and tracks how many times I don't pee.
And now, on top of slow death and digital shame, we’ve got, wait for it....
Office Chair Butt
That’s trending now. And if you’ve been sitting long enough to read this far, you probably have it. It’s when your butt just gives up. Flat. Sad. Disappointing. Like a balloon two weeks after the party.
But the good news? It’s reversible! Which is great because I would like to keep my butt. So here are five dumb-simple ways to fight the great glute fade:
1. Walk while you talk.
Got a call? Get up. Pace. Wander. Do laps around your desk like a confused raccoon. Doesn’t matter. Just move.
2. Play "hard to get" with your printer.
Put it across the room. Or on another desk. Or in the breakroom. Every time you need to print something, boom—mini workout. Bonus points if you sigh dramatically like it’s so far away.
3. Choose the scenic bathroom.
Ignore the one five feet away. Go to the one on another floor. Take the stairs. Pretend you're Indiana Jones seeking the Holy Grail of hand soap.
4. Squeeze that butt.
No one has to know. Sitting in a meeting? Butt clenches. Reading emails? Toe lifts. Waiting for your Zoom to unmute? March in place like your job depends on it.
5. Be a social butterfly.
Instead of emailing Linda in accounting three feet away, go talk to Linda. Your butt will thank you. Your brain probably will too.
Bottom line (pun fully intended): Sitting all day is no longer the relaxing vibe it once was. It’s a trap. A gluteal betrayal. But with a few tiny tweaks, you can fight back.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get up and walk in a circle because my watch just buzzed again and I'm tired of its judgment.
