There’s a 1% Chance You Have a Perfect Dog (Spoiler: You Don’t)

So, apparently science just confirmed what every dog owner secretly knows: our dogs are all a little bit nuts.

According to a new study from Texas A&M, 99.12% of dogs in the U.S. have behavior problems. That means only 0.88% are “perfect.” Less than 1%. That’s basically unicorn-level rarity.

And no, Karen, your precious doodle who wears sweaters and eats off a plate is not in the 0.88%.

Researchers looked at over 43,000 dogs, across breeds, ages, and zip codes. The bad behavior list? Long and messy: aggression, fear, anxiety, separation issues, and good old-fashioned indoor pooping.

Separation issues were the most common. You know—restless pacing, barking, chewing couch arms, or attempting to Kool-Aid Man their way through a closed door when you leave for five minutes.

Then comes aggression, aka growling at mail carriers, biting uncles, and being deeply offended by squirrels just existing.

I have known this truth for years. Let me introduce you to my own little disasters:

Poor Dead Norman. A beagle-basset mix with the soul of a troubled poet. He had Olympic-level separation anxiety and once—once—pooped on the kitchen table out of spite. Not next to it. On it. This same dog also climbed the kitchen table like a cat, just to glare at you from a higher elevation. He was a total weirdo. But he was a good boy.

And then came Molly. A 100-pound black lab with the subtle energy of a freight train. She ate socks. Humped guests. Could not be taken in a car unless you liked projectile drool. She threw her body against the storm door like she was trying to escape a fire. And anything in her reach? Consider it eaten. Paper, toys, possibly small furniture. Still—a good girl. A very intense, good girl.

So if your dog occasionally flips out over a plastic bag in the wind or eats drywall when you’re gone too long? Congratulations. They’re normal.

And when you say, “Oh, I don’t know what’s gotten into Luna today, she never acts like this…” Just know the rest of us are nodding politely, while watching Luna scale the couch like a mountain goat.

Dogs are weird. Dogs are flawed. Dogs are family.

Even when they poop on your table.