The Baldwins Is the Most Depressing Reality Show Ever

I tried watching The Baldwins on TLC, and I may never recover. I thought reality TV was supposed to be fun, or at least so-bad-it's-good. Instead, this is just… bleak.

First of all, Alec Baldwin looks exhausted. This man has the energy of someone who’s been up all night rocking a colicky baby, which, honestly, is probably true. He’s shuffling through life, barely holding it together, as an army of tiny, identical Baldwin children scream in the background. I lost count, but apparently, there are SEVEN.

I need a nap just thinking about it.

And then there’s Hilaria. Oh, Hilaria. The woman who faked a Spanish accent for years (Google it, it’s chef’s kiss insane) and still sprinkles "¡Vamos niños!" into her speech as if we’ve all forgotten she’s actually Hillary from Boston. She went to school in WESTON, for crying eye. This grift is like no other.

She’s running the Baldwin household like a deranged influencer boot camp, all while Alec stands off to the side, looking like he’s questioning every life choice that got him here.

But the worst part?

Alec keeps saying he has “seven children.”

Sir. SIR. You have eight kids. There is a whole other Baldwin child out there—your firstborn, Ireland Baldwin, who you had with Kim Basinger. You know, the one you famously called a “rude, thoughtless little pig” on a voicemail? That daughter.

He barely acknowledges her on the show, other than to wave off their strained relationship like it’s an unfortunate Wi-Fi issue.

This whole thing reeks of a PR attempt to soften Alec’s image after the Rust tragedy, but if anything, he’s just shooting himself in the foot. He looks miserable, Hilaria looks terrifying, and the whole show is a screaming reminder that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

But be warned: once you start watching, you can’t unsee it.