So, two months ago, when I started seeing teaser trailers for Bravo’s “Dirty John”, I was intrigued. First of all, there were ZERO explanations with the trailers. And it starred Tami Taylor, aka Connie Britton.

Which led me to google, which led me to the podcast, “Dirty John“, which led me to taking long drives so I wouldn’t have to stop listening to this FASCINATING true story about a woman who meets a man who is NOT WHO HE SEEMS.

Podcast = A+

I finished it a month ago, so I was really jonesing for Nov. 25 to get here so I could see the Bravo treatment.

Episode 1? Creepy, realistic, and I’m hooked. And I already know the ending!

It starts out with Deborah Newell (Britton) walking down a hospital hallway with scenes cutting back to some sort of horrible stabbing where you can’t make out who has been hurt. It’s slightly disturbing. After all, I tune into Bravo for Housewives, not hemorrhaging.

After a series of AWFUL dates with guys she’s met online (this is also disturbing, but it a more realistic, this-can’t-be-what-dating-is-like kind of awkward), Deborah, a very successful interior designer, meets John Meehan (a sexy yet sinister Eric Bana) and Deborah is instantly charmed, even though he’s dressed like he’s about to mow a lawn.

Her daughter, Veronica (an up-talking-straight-out-of-an-episode-of-The-Californians Juno Temple) is unimpressed and acts as such. Meehan isn’t a fan of hers either.

And it’s on!

Deborah and John hit it off and they go back to her posh pad where she taps the breaks and he, instead of backing off, jumps on her bed and expects, well, you know. Ew.

Game over.

She asks him to leave and he does and we think maybe this is the shortest miniseries ever.

But NO.

John (of course!) calls her back and they go out again and she’s charmed and impressed by this anesthesiologist/divorcee.

Deborah doesn’t always exhibit the best judgement – she’s been married four times, Veronica points out. By the way, the mother and daughter are in therapy together about Deborah’s failed love life. That’s a new couch trip.

But Deborah believes in love! And sooner rather than later she lets John stay in her bed and he tells her stories about being in Doctors Without Borders and she’s swooning.

John soon becomes a permanent fixture and VERONICA IS NOT PLEASED AT ALL and  flings a plate across the room and stomps out with one of her many $10,000 Berkin bags slung across her shoulder.

This girl is awful. Except she’s right.

Also, things are moving fast, people.

John loves Deborah! Deborah loves John! Cue the Gwen Stefani music and there’s a montage of kissing and walking along the boardwalk and going on a ferris wheel and looking at apartments and I-Love-Yous and the next thing you know Deborah’s renting a seaside condo for the both of them for $84,000 for the year.

What? I should have studied interior design.

ANYWAY:

Deborah’s not wondering about why John’s showing up at a gala in scrubs, or can’t pay for things because of “child support” and “crazy tax issues.”

Did I mention VERONICA IS NOT HAPPY?

Deborah moves out, champagne is poured and I’m just curious why women even spend time in the same ROOM with men because they can be pretty goddamned dangerous.

Then we meet Terra Newell (Julia Garner) an animal-loving, “Walking Dead”-watching up-talker.

(By the way, these girls are SO annoying, if I were the real Veronica and Terra Newell, I would consider suing for defamation of character.)

Veronica convinces Terra to do some detective-ing at her mom’s new place and what does she find? A file full of John’s stuff. And he’s a nurse. Not a doctor. And Terra flips out.

Funny. John actually seems rational here. Terra seems unhinged and a big, up-talking baby. So she leaves. Her mom chooses John.

AND NOW TERRA IS NOT HAPPY.

Meanwhile, you know who IS happy? Deborah’s mom! Also, Hello JEAN SMART! Jean looks like Estelle Getty, but that’s OK. She thinks John is busy and it’s OK he’s wearing sweatpants to Thanksgiving dinner.

Also, John wears scrubs EVERYWHERE.

EVEN TO LAS VEGAS.

And guess what happens in Vegas? Ding! Ding! Ding! John is now HUSBAND #5!

At least John didn’t wear scrubs.

***

Next week: Veronica is STILL NOT HAPPY. And now John’s about to feel the same way.

****

Side note: The most disturbing scene? The one where the woman who had surgery for ovarian cancer. She’s at pain level 10. John the anesthesiologist gives her something for the to ease the major discomfort.

Cut to the last scene. The woman is writhing in agony. The nurses say they can’t give her pain medication because John gave her some 90 minutes ago.

She screams she can’t feel the pain medication.

And that’s when we realize John NEVER GAVE IT TO HER.