PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL - MAY 09: A raccoon sits in the bushes during round one of THE PLAYERS Championship at THE PLAYERS Stadium course at TPC Sawgrass on May 9, 2013 in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. (Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images)

No joke: this is one RIVETING piece of journalism here.

Kids, pay attention: I officially have the attention span of a Fun-Dip-freebasing toddler at Chuck E. Cheese, yet I READ EVERY WORD.

It’s all the details. Like this gem:

The dead raccoon was retrieved by Borch’s dad, who packed it into a Taste of the Wild dog food bag and handed it over to the Maine Warden Service.”

I will never see a Taste of the Wild dog food bag without being reminded of one woman’s struggle against nature while out for a jog in the woods.

Read it for yourself. It’s amazing:

Maine woman attacked by raccoon drowns rabid animal in puddle

"With my thumb in its mouth, I just pushed its head down into the muck." CORRECTION: An earlier version of this story misstated that the Borch family turned the raccoon over to Hope Animal Control Officer Heidi Blood. Maine news, sports, politics and election results, and obituaries from the Bangor Daily News.

Also, this: